I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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