So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Randomize
