seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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