More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
