Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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