she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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