im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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