If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
