is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
