In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize