At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
