I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
