Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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