Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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