How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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