my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
