"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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