I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You are a booty call, not a friend.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
