the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
