I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize