They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
