I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
