Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize