I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
only you would photoshop your dick
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
