new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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