I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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