true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
