So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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