Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
