just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
im having a threesome with these popsicles
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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