The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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