Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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