Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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