I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
