My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
