Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
