I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
