went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
