she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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