Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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