I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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