dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
