I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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