As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just found puke in my bra..
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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