I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
