apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I have fence marks all over my body
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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