I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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