is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just gift wrapped bread.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
