is your mom at the bar?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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