so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
