It's Friday. Sex?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
