What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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