I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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