so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
