Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize