I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
