4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
