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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize