hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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