I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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