I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
