I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
